Don't talk about it, write it down, but don't ask for help.

"What does a scanner see? I mean, really see? Into the head? Down into the heart? Does a passive infrared scanner … see into me — into us — clearly or darkly? I hope it does see clearly, because I can't any longer these days see into myself. I see only murk. Murk outside; murk inside. I hope, for everyone's sake, the scanners do better. Because if the scanner sees only darkly, the way I myself do, then we are cursed, cursed again and like we have been continually, and we'll wind up dead this way, knowing very little and getting that little fragment wrong too." -- Bob Arctor, "A Scanner Darkly" by Philip K. Dick.

All eyes on the calendar
Another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up
With decisions to be made
I'm sure all of them were wrong

Into this song I send myself
And with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear

And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to
Yeah, there are some things you can't fake

Well, I guess that it's typical
To cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs
Of a summer long ago
Or a friend that you used to know
And there below his frozen face
You wrote the name and that ancient date
And you can't believe that he's really gone
When all that's left is a fucking song

And I'm sorry about the phone call and waking you
I know that it is late
But thank you for talking, because I needed to
Some things just can't wait...

is my half birthday.

to me.

Let's turn up the music and stop caring!

It's the peeling ceiling panels
and the way that the walls creak.
There's nothing on these channels
and it's giving me the creeps.
The light is failing
and my mind is sailing
across this ugly carpet sea.
This chair is unforgiving.
The bed denies me rest.
The mirror's smudged,
glares back at me
as if my reflection's begrudged.
Maybe it's not claustrophobia,
Probably just the insomnia,
but the edges are coming in.
Pointless decor,
and me wanting more.
Not trapped or snared,
more like marooned
on some strange and distant shore.
The Devil is real
and he knows my personal hell.
The inside of a room,
like a prison cell.

OOOOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOOO

Miracle sun, stay with me tonight.

I feel like it might be time to start writing again?

It's way past time for me to stop.

Shake free the cobwebs
From your weary skull.
Brush the rust off
Your aching joints.
Stretch your limbs
That have lain dormant.
Don't you see
It's time to get up?
Stride out your door
With the sense of freedom
You got from leaving me.

I'm already up,
I've packed my axe.
Spent all morning
Sharpening it just right,
So I can make a quick job
Of taking your pretty little head
As a reminder of
The kind of girl
To avoid at all cost.

Oh now you want
It to be back
The way it was?
Well it's too late now, baby.
I'll meet you at the door,
And we can see how
Well you do
Without that charming face
Attached.

You had me fooled
But for a moment,
For that I am impressed.
But it's hard to hide
Claws and feathers
Underneath
That dark red dress.

Your looks were
A well-thought out
And clever disguise
To mask the truth, honey.
But you couldn't
Hope to conceal
Those evil eyes.

So get your goddamned talons out of me.

Looks like Lady Luck
Is looking fondly upon us
Once again.

Back in the fray
Of Life's next battle.
This time we're better equipped.

Celebrations all around
As we start a new chapter
In the same old book.

Feeling elated!
Have we finally made it?
Have we done the impossible?
What once was momentous,
Something quite tremendous,
Now lies in our shadow, so small.

So it's:
Hey!
What do you say
We grab that round of drinks?
That we promised ourselves
We would never resort to
When our future teetered on the brink.

We have made it this far
And that sure is worth something.
Because all that work
Could not equal nothing.

So next time trouble happens
Remember this please:
You did once,
You can do it again.
And you can always call on me.

with school.



For now at least.
And let me tell you, it feels great!

My winter break has officially begun.
However, I don't think I am heading home quite yet.
I don't feel like I am done here.

I think I have some unfinished business that I still have to take care of.
I just need to find out what that business is...


On an awesomely awesome note, I saw He Is Legend, Haste The Day, and Dead Reckless last night at The Pound.
It was one of the most rock n' rollin' shows I have witnessed in quite some time.
That shit rocked me like ... like uhhhh ... a rock n' roll hurricane?
And I got this incredible shirt:

Body shakin'
Heart's a-tremblin'
Skin drawn tight
As I put ink to paper
Tryin' to forge a sharp object
To shatter the shield
Of insecurity
You hide your trust in lock-box
Locked up!
Locked down!
Locked tight!

Screams are brimmin'
Jaws are clenchin'
Knuckles white
Knock!
Knock!
Knock!
O let me in
I assure you I have
The best interests
In line for you
O I've lined them all up
Sure!
Simple!
Short!
Straight to the point

So you're keeping the door locked?
Well I've finally collected my courage
This time you won't hear a knock
I'm coming for you
Breaking it down
You'd better be ready
'Cause baby, here's Johnny!

There is a hole in this deck
A breach
It's cavernous
And it's allowing a torrent
Of dark waters to flood
This hull
Now a husk
And it's filling quickly
Heavier
And heavier
No way to stop its slow descent
Because now I have this sinking feeling
This sinking feeling
And it's you who struck the blow
That fostered this regression
Now I know for sure it's loose lips
That sink ships
Or perhaps it was loose fists?
No matter, the damage is done
Because now I have this sinking feeling
This sinking feeling
You've dropped the anchor
And this time it outweighs the ship
This ship is sinking
This ship is sinking
If you have anything to say about it
It will soon be too late to abandon it

The Lightning fought to strike the earth
The Rain sought to drown the asphalt
The Wind rushed to wrestle
Those great towers to the ground
And as the Clouds sank back over the horizon
The City breathed a sigh of relief.

I feel like I am going to throw up.